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Minecraft Has Fentanyl Witches
By Jordan Cleeman
Playing Minecraft has been a passion of mine, ever since the beta was released. Ever since two thousand and ten, there were very few days when I played less than an hour. Throughout the past decade, most of that play time was spent on my own survival or creative worlds. Playing on public servers was never my thing. Because of my solo playstyle, I am willing to say that I am highly experienced at the vanilla side of the game. I know, mods exist, but I am an old school type of person.
That being said, it would make sense that there is little to no content that I’ve yet to explore. However, I’ve recently experienced something in Minecraft that makes me question this. Before I begin telling this terrifying video game tale, I need to provide some context. Firstly, I have never used addons before. Like I said earlier, I like to play the game in an old school way. Never have I ever installed mods, nor applied any texture packs. Secondly, I do not have any friends who play the game. So there is no way anyone can join my world, without having a lan party.
Given these conditions, I am pretty sure there is no external essence that could have led me to discover, whatever I’ve just witnessed in game. Now that you know I haven’t skewed the game in any way, I may begin.
I was going about my normal day, playing on my main survival world. Killing mobs, exploring new caves, breeding animals, and much much more. I could do this all day. That day, I wanted to try something new. I’ve come to realize that exploring high in the skies was never a thing I’ve done before. Obviously, It is easy to overlook that component of minecraft worlds, because of its vacant nature. But I figured that because I’ve been playing this game so long, I decided, why the fuck not?
I know, it is very easy to simply fly around on creative mode to do this, but I wanted the personal achievement of venturing the skies in survival mode. Of course, it won’t be an easy task as there aren’t any items that allow free flying in survival, but from my years of playing in this very same survival world, I’ve accumulated hundreds of thousands of cobblestone blocks. With these building materials, I can definitely cover a huge distance by using them to build sky bridges. This was the time to put these ugly blocks to good use.
I first created a super tall cobblestone pillar. I added height to it, until I was just about to reach the world’s ceiling. I then began the skybridge. The way I set it up was by simply placing a block in front constantly. I knew that traveling adjacent was not a realistic goal, so I just kept going straight. Really, it was quite a repetitive process.
After a couple hours of doing this nonstop, both of my hands started to feel exhausted. It was time for a break. I went downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee. I sat on my kitchen table and daydreamed as I sipped my coffee. It was quite refreshing to rest my hands on the table, after doing such a mundane task.
After I was done with my coffee, I went back upstairs to continue working on the skybridge. As I slipped my hands onto the keyboard and mouse, I had this sense of tiredness. I really did not want to spend the rest of my day doing this. As a man going into his thirties, I really don’t want to develop arthritis.
That was when I came up with the idea of using an auto clicker and macro to assist me. The scheme was to program the macro to control the game, setting it up so that it left clicks every time it walks my character a certain distance. It was not a complex script to program at all, so I only had to do some copy and paste work to get it to function at an acceptable level.
I ran the script and it worked perfectly as intended. I monitored it for about thirty minutes, to make sure it could sustain without eventually desynchronizing and causing my character to fall off the sky bridge, if a block is misplaced. Sure enough, everything went as intended.
I have a backup gaming laptop, so that was what I used for doing other things. I then left my main desktop PC running the sky bridge macro. I made sure to turn off my monitor so that it doesn’t overheat for being on for so long. The plan was to only turn it on each day to check on the sky exploration progress.
It had been around seven days when I turned on my monitor, to discover that my character was stifled by what looked like a block of quartz. I stopped the sky bridge macro, and took a step back to try to see what exactly was in front of me. To my surprise, it was a gigantic floating island made of what I thought was quartz. However, it did not quite have the exact textures that a block of quartz would exhibit. I placed dirt blocks below me, to make my way to the top of the island. Once I made it atop, I saw a witch's hut. There appeared to be nobody in the outer yard.
At the time though, I was mostly curious on what the White quartz like blocks actually were. I equipped my diamond pickaxe and mine the block below me. It took a surprisingly short amount of time to break it.
Upon destruction, I picked the block up. When I opened my inventory and hovered my cursor over the block, it read Block of fentanyl. This alarmed me. I have never seen a block of this type in my entire Minecraft career.
Not even in creative mode. I wondered about its potential uses, other than being placed. Right after I exited my inventory, I heard the sound of a door opening. I looked at the witch’s hut, to see a dark skinned witch running right at me. When it came close enough, I noticed that its face was much much different from the standard witch, but still had the usual giant nose. It had the face of George Floyd.
It was a couple blocks away from me when they stopped running. Shortly after, a chat message popped up. It read, “How dare you mine our precious block of fentanyl. You must repay by trading us nine fentanyl ore and an air block.”
The message came from a name called the George Floyd witch. I was awestruck. There was no way this was happening.
The George Floyd witch sent another chat message which read, “If you don’t trade me nine fentanyl ore and one air block by the next day, I will corrupt your world.”
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That statement alarmed me. Three years were invested into this Minecraft world. For it to be corrupted would destroy countless precious memories. I needed to heed its threat. I right clicked the George Floyd witch, to open the trading interface. Sure enough, it showed that I had to exchange both nine blocks of fentanyl and a block of air, for nothing.
The real question was, where the hell do I find these? I’ve never come across fentanyl ore, therefore I would not know where to find it. Also, the block of air is unobtainable, without using world editors or mods. I thought this was just a joke easter egg, so I just punched the George Floyd witch for laughs. But when I did, it pointed a gun to the stomach of my character. It then sent me another chat message. “If you punch me again, I will shoot your belly and corrupt your world.” That made me begin to think this was not a joke after all, because guns never existed in Minecraft.
I opened up my internet browser, and tried googling key terms, such as George Floyd witch, or fentanyl block. However, I did not see any results that were related to those. I really didn’t want my world to get corrupted by these nigger en pee sees, so I decided that I needed to figure out how to obtain the fentanyl ore, since there wasn’t an option to trade the block of fentanyl back. I also needed to obtain one block of air. That was the easy part though.
As much as I hate using mods and cheats, I would rather not have my world corrupted. I installed Minecraft world edit on my PC, and opened it. With ease, I added a block of air into my character's inventory. Upon doing this, I had the thought that I may as well delete the George Floyd witch, or give myself fentanyl ore with the world edit mod. However, it did not show any options which have anything to do with those. I was disappointed, as I realized the world edit mod isn’t updated to be compatible with George Floyd witch content.
I returned to my world, and sure enough confirmed the block of air was now in my inventory. I right clicked the George Floyd witch to open the trading interface and give it the air block. It then sent the chat message, “Thank you for the block of air! Now I can breathe! Now
please give me nine fentanyl ore in a day, or else this world will be corrupted!”
A minecraft day only lasts for twenty minutes, so I essentially only had that many minutes to mine and retrieve nine fentanyl ore. I did not know what to do. Twenty minutes is nowhere near a reasonable timeframe for me to find one, let alone nine, because I have no idea where they exist. There was no way I could directly kill the George Floyd witch before it could corrupt my world, because none of my weapons can compete with his gun.
That being said, the only way to stop the George Floyd witch, was to come up with a way to indirectly kill it. For the next few minutes, I brainstormed possible courses of action. A lightbulb clicked, as I came up with the idea to place two gravel blocks above its head, to suffocate it. I climbed down the sky bridge, to try to find gravel. After some digging, I managed to find a chunk of them. I quickly dug them, and returned to the George Floyd witch. Quickly, I vertically placed three blocks beside it, and then placed the two gravel blocks above the George Floyd witch’s head.
When the gravel landed on it, it began to take suffocation damage.
“Ah shit, gravel is my worst enemy! I CAN’T BREATHE!” an in-game chat message said.
It shortly died due to asphyxiation. Upon death, it dropped a bunch of items that I’ve never seen before. One of the items was a potion with a white liquid in it. I picked it up and it was labeled, potion of fentanyl. The remaining items were counterfeit bills. I then received an achievement pop up. It said, Achievement unlocked! Kill a nigger!
I was extremely relieved for two reasons. For one, my world hasn't been corrupt, since the George Floyd witch was slain. I was also relieved by the fact that the developers of Minecraft are based nigger haters after all, especially Notch.
I am now going to post this in numerous Minecraft community forums. Please, if you come across the George Floyd witch, suffocate it with gravel. Do not bother finding the fentanyl ore, since nobody knows where to find it yet.